Very Big Blog » VBB Presents

My Hymn

jen — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 04:35:23 +0000

Sing it loud, sing it proud… I'm going straight to hell and I need the company!
(Disclaimer: It's been a long day)

TiVo loves me this I know,
For the red light tells me so.
Many shows for him to store,
They are long, but he records.

Yes, TiVo loves me!
Yes, TiVo loves me!
Yes, TiVo loves me!
The Red Light tells me so.

I love him and he loves me back,
'tho my shows are very whack,
Aliens, Sasquatch, and Daily Show,
And so many more all on his own!

Yes, TiVo loves me!
Yes, TiVo loves me!
Yes, TiVo loves me!
The Red Light tells me so.

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Happy Birthday America

jen — Tue, 04 Jul 2006 00:09:36 +0000

You started off as a wee little colony of cranky gun toting bastards who got sick of being taxed on paper products, paying too much for tea and not having a word in how they were governed. Your greatest diplomat was a notorious womanizing old coot that had the king of all mullets and was estranged from his son due to polictical differences.

Now you’re a country filled with hate filled gun toting rednecks paying $5 for coffee while only interested in nascar news they can find online, and not having a word how they are governed. Your greatest diplomat is a chimp faced moron who is little more than a hand puppet of evil and yet has managed to divide the country so entirely in just six years that it’s estranged parents and children due to polictical differences.

You’re just lucky old Ben Franklin isn’t around anymore, he’d kick your ass for the punk you’ve grown up into.

So, Happy freaking Birthday, USA. I wish the British had won. Sure didn’t seem to hurt Canada none.

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Things celebrities can get away with wearing that you can’t

jen — Tue, 28 Feb 2006 01:33:42 +0000

1: Cone Bra.

2: Knee high boots and a mini mini

3: Huge sun glasses that hide half your face that make you look like a Florida retiree on I-75.

4: Long summer dresses over jeans with high heels.

5: Red leather pants (or any color other than black).

6: All-white suit.

7: Visible nipples under chiffon.

8: Silky ill-fitting camisole and a cardigan sweater with sleeves that are 6″ too long.

9: Oversized “Newsie” cap.

10: This. Anyone else would be thrown in the Homeless Shelter.

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I got bored…

jen — Fri, 17 Feb 2006 01:15:27 +0000

Damned Olympics ruined my “must see tv”, so I made a few moreRomance novel parodies.

That’s a link to the pool on Flickr I set up for them up top, feel free to join the fun.

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Putting the massacre back in St Valentines Day

jen — Fri, 03 Feb 2006 02:43:20 +0000

Over the holidays it was all the rage to rant about how the “liberal media” were taking the Christ out of Christmas.

Over the last oh say 500 years we’ve lost the Saint Valentine out of Valentine’s Day! For shame! All that candy and flowers and those scantily clad Cherubs have perverted a once noble holiday that started with a old codger who married folks so they could avoid the Roman draft, then got the hots for young girl while he was incarnated and wrote her dirty letters signed “From your Valentine”.

Of course, all Christian based holidays have pagan origins, and this one was a fertility festival called Lupercalia where goats and dogs were sacrificed and almost certainly a bloody kick ass orgy followed.

In the Middle Ages they began noting that those swinging sex fiend birds coupled up nice and cozy in nests by February 14, and so tried to get their 12 year old virgin daughters married off to creepy old men who surely wrote even more saucy letters to get her into the idea.

That’s a holiday anyone can related to… especially lefty peacenik war deserters, pedophiles, slash fanfic writers, pervy birdwatchers and Chupacabra! They are the true embodiment of the REAL Valentines Day! The rest of youse are slackers.

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Here kitty kitty!

jen — Fri, 11 Nov 2005 01:55:37 +0000

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SuperPedo Man!

jen — Mon, 17 Oct 2005 23:59:02 +0000

Click to enlarge

Faster than a Micheal Jackson’s hand down a 10 year old’s Underoos, more powerful than a restraining order, able to hold down a crying boy scout while not waking up his parents – it’s… it’s… Super PEDO Man!

Who knew Superman was in NAMBLA…

EDIT:It was late and I decided to have a little fun with this in ComicLife…

Click to Enlarge

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R. Kelly sequel sample

jen — Sun, 03 Jul 2005 04:21:27 +0000

Since R. Kelly questionably decided to put out this ridiculous rambling stream of conciousness song story, in five chapters no less, I thought I’d write him up a sample for the followup.

I looked down saw I had a hole in my sock
I got dressed and went to Target
That place is really hung up on red ya’know?
Targets have other colors, like yellow, and green too
I’m gonna text a message to the website later
and tell them that they use too much red
So, I walk back to menswear and they have all this crap on clearance
And we all know what a whore for clearance I am
The next thing I know I have 47 plaid polo shirts
marked down to $4 each in my cart
I don’t even play polo, man, how crazy is dat?
Anyway, so I finally grab a 6-pak of gold toe socks
and on the way out I saw they had these
little darling daisy picnic plates for $2.99 so I got 12
since I’m having my dawgs over for tea next Tuesday

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Poppa can you hear me?

jen — Thu, 07 Apr 2005 00:01:05 +0000

When a man enters the priesthood he changes his name to one more fitting a “man of god”, and once a Cardinal becomes Pope they will change the name again to one more revered and holy-like.

Being there have been 264 other Popes I figured they might be running out of ideas, so helpful me started a list. (I figure in this modern reality show world they might actually put the new designation up to a vote ala Amercian Idol…

The post that secures my spot in hell
(I’d like an aisle seat please)

Pope Albus Mano CCLXV
Pope Octopenii
Pope el Diablo Grande
Pope Cletus Doody
Pope Popitty Pope Pope
Pope Overdue Library Fine
Pope Fantasia Mounds
Pope Velvet Washington
Pope Carne Asada
Pope Pöpli (a more affordable Swedish Pope)
Pope Randy & Terry’s the “All Girl” Review and Brazilian Wax Hut

Post your suggestions in the comments, I’ll send them to the Vatican so I don’t go to hell alone.

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MacWorld Secrets

jen — Fri, 07 Jan 2005 05:27:54 +0000

With the newest MacWorld just a few days away, the mac rumor sites are all aflutter, as usual, with far fetched ideas of what Steve will announce. Most of it is made up hokus.

Since I like making up hokus more than anyone else I know I thought I’d try my hand at predicting the Macworld surprises forthcoming in a scant few days.

Jen the Macworld Medium

iSee Fabulous!: Steve will abandon his Cult of Mac uniform (Black turtle neck, jeans, and sneakers) and come out in a stunning rose pink Versace dress and slingback pumps. With matching iPod of course.

iAccessorize!: Inspired by the success of the iPod Sock Steve announces a new iPod accessory – a knit cap with pompom and attached mittens on a string for your ipod. He also previews an alternative to the neoprene armbands to hold your iPod while jogging. The “iJock” is an decidedly male-oriented athletic support system to be released in late spring for those on the move.

iSorry!: Due to the recent 80’s retro craze Apple will follow with special editions of it’s entire line up in the venerated “platinum” color plastic. Sorry, they won’t have any games, not even chess.

iBox!: Apple, hot to surpass or at least irritate Microsoft at all costs, announces a console gaming system to go head to head with the XBox. Not only will it let you seemlessly play XBox games it will let you play any OSX-format games and connects to the internet to order pizza after 6 hours of continuous gaming. The size is about that of a can of Fosters and has a brushed aluminum finish. Packing 120GB of space in a tiny package builds heat so it’s revolutionary coolant system can also be vented and used as deodorant if the owner ever met a girl.

iClick: Only twenty years late to the party Steve introduces the first ever Apple brand two button scroll mouse. It also doubles as a tin for Altoids.

iSell!: After years of whining by longtime fans Apple will finally sell logo clothing and promotional items in it’s Apple Stores both online and in retail malls to avoid future instances of the “Tokyo T-shirt Massacre” from occurring again. Before the end of the keynote eBay will have auctions selling knockoffs.

iShock!: Steve stuns the audience with a new logo for Apple Computer. A stylized hand bearing a single middle digit aloft over the words “uck on this, Gates”.

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