Sing it loud, sing it proud… I'm going straight to hell and I need the company!
(Disclaimer: It's been a long day)

TiVo loves me this I know,
For the red light tells me so.
Many shows for him to store,
They are long, but he records.

Yes, TiVo loves me!
Yes, TiVo loves me!
Yes, TiVo loves me!
The Red Light tells me so.

I love him and he loves me back,
'tho my shows are very whack,
Aliens, Sasquatch, and Daily Show,
And so many more all on his own!

Yes, TiVo loves me!
Yes, TiVo loves me!
Yes, TiVo loves me!
The Red Light tells me so.

You started off as a wee little colony of cranky gun toting bastards who got sick of being taxed on paper products, paying too much for tea and not having a word in how they were governed. Your greatest diplomat was a notorious womanizing old coot that had the king of all mullets and was estranged from his son due to polictical differences.

Now you’re a country filled with hate filled gun toting rednecks paying $5 for coffee while only interested in nascar news they can find online, and not having a word how they are governed. Your greatest diplomat is a chimp faced moron who is little more than a hand puppet of evil and yet has managed to divide the country so entirely in just six years that it’s estranged parents and children due to polictical differences.

You’re just lucky old Ben Franklin isn’t around anymore, he’d kick your ass for the punk you’ve grown up into.

So, Happy freaking Birthday, USA. I wish the British had won. Sure didn’t seem to hurt Canada none.

1: Cone Bra.

2: Knee high boots and a mini mini

3: Huge sun glasses that hide half your face that make you look like a Florida retiree on I-75.

4: Long summer dresses over jeans with high heels.

5: Red leather pants (or any color other than black).

6: All-white suit.

7: Visible nipples under chiffon.

8: Silky ill-fitting camisole and a cardigan sweater with sleeves that are 6″ too long.

9: Oversized “Newsie” cap.

10: This. Anyone else would be thrown in the Homeless Shelter.

Damned Olympics ruined my “must see tv”, so I made a few moreRomance novel parodies.

That’s a link to the pool on Flickr I set up for them up top, feel free to join the fun.

Over the holidays it was all the rage to rant about how the “liberal media” were taking the Christ out of Christmas.

Over the last oh say 500 years we’ve lost the Saint Valentine out of Valentine’s Day! For shame! All that candy and flowers and those scantily clad Cherubs have perverted a once noble holiday that started with a old codger who married folks so they could avoid the Roman draft, then got the hots for young girl while he was incarnated and wrote her dirty letters signed “From your Valentine”.

Of course, all Christian based holidays have pagan origins, and this one was a fertility festival called Lupercalia where goats and dogs were sacrificed and almost certainly a bloody kick ass orgy followed.

In the Middle Ages they began noting that those swinging sex fiend birds coupled up nice and cozy in nests by February 14, and so tried to get their 12 year old virgin daughters married off to creepy old men who surely wrote even more saucy letters to get her into the idea.

That’s a holiday anyone can related to… especially lefty peacenik war deserters, pedophiles, slash fanfic writers, pervy birdwatchers and Chupacabra! They are the true embodiment of the REAL Valentines Day! The rest of youse are slackers.

Click to enlarge

Faster than a Micheal Jackson’s hand down a 10 year old’s Underoos, more powerful than a restraining order, able to hold down a crying boy scout while not waking up his parents – it’s… it’s… Super PEDO Man!

Who knew Superman was in NAMBLA…

EDIT:It was late and I decided to have a little fun with this in ComicLife…

Click to Enlarge

Since R. Kelly questionably decided to put out this ridiculous rambling stream of conciousness song story, in five chapters no less, I thought I’d write him up a sample for the followup.

When a man enters the priesthood he changes his name to one more fitting a “man of god”, and once a Cardinal becomes Pope they will change the name again to one more revered and holy-like.

Being there have been 264 other Popes I figured they might be running out of ideas, so helpful me started a list. (I figure in this modern reality show world they might actually put the new designation up to a vote ala Amercian Idol…

The post that secures my spot in hell
(I’d like an aisle seat please)

Pope Albus Mano CCLXV
Pope Octopenii
Pope el Diablo Grande
Pope Cletus Doody
Pope Popitty Pope Pope
Pope Overdue Library Fine
Pope Fantasia Mounds
Pope Velvet Washington
Pope Carne Asada
Pope Pöpli (a more affordable Swedish Pope)
Pope Randy & Terry’s the “All Girl” Review and Brazilian Wax Hut

Post your suggestions in the comments, I’ll send them to the Vatican so I don’t go to hell alone.

With the newest MacWorld just a few days away, the mac rumor sites are all aflutter, as usual, with far fetched ideas of what Steve will announce. Most of it is made up hokus.

Since I like making up hokus more than anyone else I know I thought I’d try my hand at predicting the Macworld surprises forthcoming in a scant few days.

Jen the Macworld Medium

iSee Fabulous!: Steve will abandon his Cult of Mac uniform (Black turtle neck, jeans, and sneakers) and come out in a stunning rose pink Versace dress and slingback pumps. With matching iPod of course.

iAccessorize!: Inspired by the success of the iPod Sock Steve announces a new iPod accessory – a knit cap with pompom and attached mittens on a string for your ipod. He also previews an alternative to the neoprene armbands to hold your iPod while jogging. The “iJock” is an decidedly male-oriented athletic support system to be released in late spring for those on the move.

iSorry!: Due to the recent 80’s retro craze Apple will follow with special editions of it’s entire line up in the venerated “platinum” color plastic. Sorry, they won’t have any games, not even chess.

iBox!: Apple, hot to surpass or at least irritate Microsoft at all costs, announces a console gaming system to go head to head with the XBox. Not only will it let you seemlessly play XBox games it will let you play any OSX-format games and connects to the internet to order pizza after 6 hours of continuous gaming. The size is about that of a can of Fosters and has a brushed aluminum finish. Packing 120GB of space in a tiny package builds heat so it’s revolutionary coolant system can also be vented and used as deodorant if the owner ever met a girl.

iClick: Only twenty years late to the party Steve introduces the first ever Apple brand two button scroll mouse. It also doubles as a tin for Altoids.

iSell!: After years of whining by longtime fans Apple will finally sell logo clothing and promotional items in it’s Apple Stores both online and in retail malls to avoid future instances of the “Tokyo T-shirt Massacre” from occurring again. Before the end of the keynote eBay will have auctions selling knockoffs.

iShock!: Steve stuns the audience with a new logo for Apple Computer. A stylized hand bearing a single middle digit aloft over the words “uck on this, Gates”.

This has bugged me a while, I’ll use the characters from the Vegas show since I do watch that and do not watch the Miami or NYC show to know their characters names, but I’ve seen enough of them to know this still more than fits…

From the producers of “Law & Order: AEIOU, and sometimes Y”

Scene: it’s night, a small town in the middle in the Nevada desert. It’s raining. The crime scene, a bar, is filled with subdued activity from police and is awash in portable lights, but yet it’s still dark.

Grissom: (on the ground looking at a dead bug 50 feet from the vicitim’s body with a maglight. He doesn’t look up) How was traffic?

Sarah drops her toolkit to the ground and pulls back the hood of her rain coat that says CSI on the back.

Sidle: Sorry. Accident on Tropicana rain to the rain. Speaking of, riddle me this, Mr Science.

Grissom: Yes?

Sidle: How comes it always rains in Vegas? Aren’t we like, in a desert? Every other week I’m getting soaked at crime scenes.

Grissom: (shines a flash light into Sarah’s face) It’s… (beat) dramatic?

Sarah opens kit and pulls on her rubber gloves and grabs a few vials of scientific stuff

Sidle: (to nearby officer) Hey, think you guys can give us some light here and turn on those big portable lamps?

Officer: They’re on ma’am.

Sidle They’re on? Why is it still dark?

Officer: It’s, uh, night.

Sidle: NO Not again. It’s 2004. We are not in the stone age, we use higher tech than the CIA, we can put a man on the moon for chrissake. We can’t light a crime scene?

Warrick Brown arrives, he sits his case down on the floor.

Brown: Hey, what we got guys?

Grissom: I have a fly larvae, three days old and dead.

Brown: What’s that mean?

Grissom: I have no idea, yet.

Sarah: Hey Warrick, could you for the love of god flip the room lights on, the switch is on the wall behind you.

Grissom: (Rolls eyes and places his bug in a vial and put it in a evidence envelope.) Sarah, too much light is distracting from the Film Noir look we’re going for in this scene.

Sarah gets on the floor to look for evidence with her mag light

Sidle: This scene? It’s not just this scene Gil, It’s all of them. In our offices, and even the labs, it’s dark as tombs. I always see lights but they never seem to work. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tripped over furniture. And look, here I am looking for microscopic evidence with a flashlight crawling on the floor in a tank top, again, when it would be so much easier to turn the lights one and see it with a naked eye.

Grissom: If you want light, go back to ER and sorry, I just produce this thing, I don’t do the costumes.

Trick or treat is the day before we leave for Florida, we bought two big bags of primo candy for a grand total of 12 kids. (10 door knockers, and the two of us)

A list of impromptu things to hand out if you get caught off guard when trick-or-treaters come ringing:

1: Canned goods*
2: Plastic Sporks
3: Coastered CD-ROMs
4: AOL Discs
5: Q-tips
6: Fast Food condiment packets
7: Buttered Toast (who doesn’t like toast?)
8: Band Aids
9: Socks you can’t find matches for
10: Handfuls of powdered non-dairy creamer
11: Chaff (to entertain the guys xraying the candy at the Hospital)
12: Lil’Huffer sized cans of spray paint
13: Tea bags from that box of crap Lipton you bought five years ago.
14: Plastic grocery sack “masks” with scary faces drawn in sharpie marker and rubber bands
15: Unmatched Tupperware lids
16: One pick from the pillowcase of freezer burned mystery meat
17: Peanut butter smeared on a playing card
18: Dental floss and Pretzel rod numchux
19: Rolaid S’mores: Mini marshmallows smushed between two antacid tablets
20: Frozen fish sticks
21: Caviar on toast points
22: Printed out Emails folded into origami swans
23: Sandwich bags of chocolate pudding
24: Fruit cocktail mini shishkabobs (on tooth picks)
25: Wrapped Kraft cheese slices

* Canned goods = A guy Mr Man used to work this told him when he was 12, his mom said he was too old now to trick-or-treat so it was now his job to hand out candy while she and his dad took his sister out to trick-or-treat.

While they were gone, angry, he got to quick work handing out the household canned goods and eating the candy. His parents were not amused to find the pantry bare and about $100 of groceries gone.

“Here, have a can of pumpkin pie filling” – just makes me laugh.

(* = with apologies to Anne Frank)

This morning I went out to dump the trash and quickly ran back in. I told Poppaman that we had to hide immediately, men were on the street a few doors down and were approaching the house. They might have seen me! We had to be careful for it was early day and our every move could be seen if we were not careful. We switched off all the lights and the broadcast we were watching and took up posts by the curtained windows.

We, frozen in fear, breathlessly peered under the entry room curtains as now four men, all neatly dressed and working in pairs, went door to door. The neighborhood was still, no one was answering their call if anyone was home. They were probably as we were, hovering in the dark trying to disappear.

We watched them slowly work their way closer and closer to our door. When they were walking towards our house we dashed to the hiding place, the bathroom off the main hall and peered through yet another set of curtains at our unwelcome visitors approach. These were of a thinner material and we could see out through them without lifting the edges and safely not be seen in our hideaway tucked safely away in the shadows.

As soon as their hands knocked the door, Mags, our faithful guardian barked out her blind fury at them. They stood on the step many moments before finally turning away.

Once they were out of sight Poppaman and I embrace in tears, fearful they might hear us and turn back. Finally, when the coast is clear, we step out again into the main room as if freed from long imprisonment. Our knees shake from standing so long in a confined space. We blink painfully at the sunlight streaming in the window as we peek out into the street. Truly, they were gone. We cried out in joy, clinging to each other gratefully. We escaped them once more. We don’t say it, but we know our time willcome. There will be a day when they will not go way.

Perhaps someday everyone one in the world can watch a weekend gardening show without being bothered by Jehovah Witnesses. I hope I live to be old enough to see that day.

So… I was discussing the scariest mannequin on earth that I linked an entry or so ago with someone, and I came up with what genetic mistake of nature had to occur to make some human actually look like that.

Things not to do before continuing:
— Do not eat or drink before clicking the link
— You might want small children to leave the room
— You might want to acquire sandpaper or lighter fluid to cleanse your eyes afterwards

You have been warned.
Only those brave souls should pass this point…

White Trash Recipes, collection 1.

Now is the season for backyard entertaining, even for the trailer home set. Here’s some ideas that will impress yer cousins, and your baby’s momma.

Desserts:
Crunchy Fruit Trifle:

In a martini glass put in alternating layers of Cool Whip and Fruit Loops. Best part is you don’t need to use a plastic spoon, since the glass is wide and shallow you can just lick it out. Martini glasses are classy and make anything look good, even plastic ones.

STD’s (Sweet Tempting Delights):

Open a can of halved peaches or pears and arrange on plate in a starburst pattern. Fill each center with grape jelly. Cover center with a healthy dollop of Cool Whip, and garnish with multi-colored ice cream sprinkles.

The King’s Nannerbutta Bites:

On a Ritz Cracker place a round slice of banana, then slather on a nice amount of extra crunchy peanut butter. Top the Peanut butter with crunchy fried bacon that has been cut to size. A drizzle of honey is optional.

Fruit Kebabs:

Open a can of Fruit Cocktail. For fun you can use fast food straws to skewer the fruit. Cut the straws in half and press them into the center of the fruit.Be sure to do it slowly. Alternate square fruit and round fruit for attractiveness. Dust with powered sugar. You can shoot the fruit that got pressed into the straw at your bratty brother out of the straw like a blowpipe.

Appetizers:
Pork Poppers:

Cut thick slices of hot dog and lay them out on a classy “Chinette” plate. Take the cap off a two-liter bottle and cut circles out of slices of Kraft processed cheese slices. Put a piece of cheese on top of each hot dog. Place a green olive on top of each and pierce the stack with one of them classy plastic sword picks.

Lincoln’s Bloody Yankee Logs:

Take a package of cocktail wieners, put in bowl and mix with a healthy bit of ketchup and BBQ sauce, and a dash (OR FOUR) of RedHot sauce until well covered. Cut celery to pieces the length of the wieners. Put a hot dog in the center channel of a piece of celery. Take a can of spray cheese and make a nice sized blob on top. Secure with a cocktail pick.

Baloney Rollups:

Take a slice of Baloney, spread liberally with cream cheese, in the center put a pretzel rod, or stalk of celery. Use a little of the cream cheese to hold the baloney closed. Cut into 2″ long rolls and stand on end on a plate with decorative garnish.

Our First Extra-Super Nifty Keen Exclusive Story!

Where in the world is Steve Case?
VBBAP – Winnipeg, Canada. July 16, 2003

Ousted Former AOL/TimeWarner Chief has been showing his prowess in less technical arenas this week – winning the highly sought after “Mister Gay Winnipeg Exotic Dancer of the Y” trophy.

“I’ve always wanted to be a dancer, even when I was a little boy I’d be doing ballet steps at the Ms Pacman machine. Then all those years behind a computer, I let me dream die. My getting tossed out of AOL/TW opened a door for me to finally do what I wanted!”

Case, one of the richest men in the world, was not a known homosexual during his days in board rooms. “They had no idea underneath it all I wore a pink ermine trimmed thong and a nipple ring.”

After receiving his walking papers from the über-conglomerate he helped to create, Case decided to finally decided to come clean. “I finally had enough, life is for living sister! You have no idea how much those Docker’s chafe!”

Case worked hard to work off years of “nerd-flab”, as he calls it. “My god! It was coming out of a cocoon! Only I came out in more than a few ways. ‘I’ve got male’ indeeed!” he laughed.

When asked what he wanted to do next, Case was uncertain. “I’m not sure… but I know that ‘Mr Gay Winnipeg’ is only a stepping stone into the brand new World of Steve. Rich as a sultan, cute as a button, and can turn a piece of crap into a mega media conglomerate that can make any world power weak in the knees – I’m a triple threat!”

Dave suggested this one and I can’t agree more… This one is called “We Love Corey”

I hate all picture fonts using real people as clip art, there is a “clipfont” that has Tom Brokaw! Why? Now this font is from one of my favorite houses, Fontaclicious, (where the font for this very site came from no less – “Pussycat” no offense Fontalicious guys, but this font is so bad, it calls out to be a…

A continuing series of things as Jen Imagined they happened…

Mean Boss:Feldman! Feldman!

Corey: [scrambles up tucking in dirty t-shirt that is part of his "LuckyBurger" uniform] Sorry!… uh the power went out over the night, my alarm didn’t go off.

Mean Boss: Uh huh. This is the third time you have been late this week! We need fries! Get over there you wash out!

Corey: Don’t call me that! I’ve gotten laid more than everyone on your entire street!

Mean Boss: And you have the hepititis to prove it.

Corey: I was on the cover of Teen Beat for like 37 consecutive weeks! And that was During the Duran Duran ys!

Mean Boss: [points to fryer] Fries.

Corey: I know Moby!

Mean Boss: You also used to hang with Michael Jackson in your PJ’s, didn’t you?

Corey: Uh, Uh… I dated a Pornstar! Two of them!

Mean Boss: Isn’t that how you got the hepititis?

Corey: Yeah. But man, was it ever worth it.

Mean Boss: [turns and leaves] Fries, now, please. And for god sake wear gloves.

Corey: Someone made a font with pictures of *me*!

Mean Boss: Right, can you call them? Will they make me fries?

Third episode of a (hopefully) continuing series
of synopsizes of TV shows Jen hasn’t seen.

“tar Trek: Boobyprise – “Last episode before we reinvent the wheel and rip off Babylon 5: Crusade to salvage the show and get more ratings next season” AKA “The Expanse”

T’pol: Captain, I need to excuse myself momentarily.
Archer: Sub-Commander, we’re in the middle of a crisis here. It’ll have to wait.
T’pol: With all respect, Captain, we are always in the middle of a crisis. This will only take a moment.
Archer: Well, if you must. What’s so damned important?
T’pol: (looks down) It’s… personal.
Archer: (walks over, and then whispers) What is it? That’s an order.
T’pol: (looks unconforatble) My undergarments.
Archer: (shocked) Excuse me?
T’pol: My female glandular restrainging device…
Archer: Your bra?
T’pol: (blinks sleepily) Yes, my bra, it has given out.
Archer: (looks at her chest) Given out?
T’pol: Structural weaknesses in the side armitures and suspension webbing have given way.
Trip: (overhing) Whooo baby! They’ve finally broken loose!
Archer: TRIP! Some decorum please!
Trip: Sorry Cap’n! But I’ve dreamed of this since she came on board. Okay, actually they involved a can of whipped cream, a squeege, some lightbulbs and a handful of paperclips…
Archer: TRIP!
Trip: (stares, mouth agape, reaches out hand) For God’s sake, LOOK at them John! I bet they have thier own gravity system!
T’pol: (smacks away hand) Are all human males so preoccupied by female glands?
Archer: (slowly) I’m afriad so.
T’pol: Humans are really quite-
Archer: (reaches out and gives her right breast a healthy slow squeeze) Ohh baby.
T’pol: Captain!
Archer: You are such a bad Vulcan, showing emotion like that. You need to be spanked.
T’pol: (raises eyebrow) Spanked?
Archer: Oh yeah.
Trip: Uh-huh.
Archer: (To Trip) Just the whipped cream, two cans. There’s alot of expanse to cover.
T’pol: (raises eyebrow)

Second episode of a (hopefully) continuing series
of synopsizes of shows Jen will never ever watch.

“Law & Order: AEIOU, and sometimes Y”

Tough as Nails Woman Detective: I think this was Murder

Stern and studious Male Detective: You’re not a coroner, or a CSI. How can you tell?

Tough as Nails Woman Detective: (she picks up the victims head and holds it for him to see) Just a hunch. What do I know, I haven’t gotten laid in 6 months.

Richard Belzer: I think she’s right. (pats her large pregnant belly) But I bet it’s more like 8 months. Anyone going out for coffee?

Tough as Nails Woman Detective: Why are you both looking at me?

Richard Belzer: Tall Mocha latte, no cinnamon. Extra Foam.

Stern and studious Male Detective: Plain black for me, and one of those cookie things.

Richard Belzer: Cookie things? Biscotti?

Stern and studious Male Detective: No, no, the other one. The round ones.

Richard Belzer: Scone?

Stern and studious Male Detective: Yeah. Cranberry Almond.

Richard Belzer: Oohh, yeah, those are good. Make it two.

Tough as Nails Woman Detective: (scowls) You both know I’m holding a dismembered human head here right?

Stern and studious Male Detective: You’re gonna wash up first I assume, sure.

Richard Belzer: Yeah, what’s the big deal, jesus, I thought you girls were suposed to ‘bring home the bacon and cook it up in a pan’ or some crap like that. What – You can’t hold a human head and fetch coffee – you have no chance of making Sergeant, toots. This is… hey what city are we in anyway? I forget.

Stern and studious Male Detective: Uhm… East coast somewhere.

Richard Belzer: Whew, I was beginning to think my New York accent might not be working all of a sudden. Where were we?

Stern and studious Male Detective: Coffee. (looks to Tough as Nails Woman Detective) And make it fast, you have a gratuitous nude shower scene coming up in like 15 minutes..

Richard Belzer: Oh yeah? A crying one or a sexy one?

Stern and studious Male Detective: (leafs through a script pulled from his back pocket) Script says… ah… crying one.

Richard Belzer: Figures. No one writes hot lesbo showers scenes for network TV. What shame.

Tough as Nails Woman Detective: That’s it. I’m getting my gun.

Richard Belzer: Is it near the coffeehouse? ‘Cause y’know I’m a little parched.

That could certainly screw up your Amazon recommendations…

Madonna will write children’s books – Not a joke but it sure sounds like one! “The English Roses” – Indeed.

This is furthering Madonna’s belief that living in England somehow makes you English. Of course, she lived in NY and sounded like she was from the Bronx. Wonder what she sounded like when she was growing up in Michigan. Little poser.

Since her last book was the famous naughty picture book titled “ex” in 1992, I can see this book now…

Samantha was distressed at brunch to ln she was out of marmalade.

“I’ll be back soon, Mummy!” she called out and began to don her leather chaps. She was lacing on her stilletto galoshes when her Mummy peeked through the door.

“Can you run by the chemist on the way back d? I’m all out of KY Jelly, you know how the Vicar gets on his Sunday visits if we run out. We’ll all be walking crooked for a week again.”

“We can’t have that!” Samantha smiled. “I can certainly pick that up. Daddy asked me to fetch him some linament for his lashes as well. They look quite nasty this time.”

“He’ll get over it, he always does.” Her Mother smiled and pulled a 20 pound note from her pointy red patent leather bustier and handed it to Samantha. “Thank you dy. Now, I must be upstairs, your Uncle Stanley needs his bottom smacked.”