So, every year I kick off the Holiday season with the world’s most depressing and awful holiday song - this year is no different!

Faith in Santa by Red Sovine

More sad little kids wandering the streets wild and dead parents…

Being as I am heading off down the road, I thought a Red Sovine, Trucker Bard, song would be in order. I almost didn’t post this one as it actually is my Mom’s birthday on the 12th, fully in the middle of my trip (every y) so the irony wasn’t lost on me. I picked this one becasue it’s sappy, and overtly depressing, and well it has little crying orphan boys and a graveyard… whooo! Uplifting eh?

A message for girls everywhere…
Chapter Eight: Daddy loves you, almost as much as he loves your brother.

Actual Chorus:
“I know I’m Daddy’s Number One, for he loves me like I was his son…”

Folks, I can’t make this crap up.

Just when you thought it was safe…
Chapter Seven: KoolAid can make you go deaf.

At least if you mouth off to mexicans with switchblades. In this hilarious knee slapper about a drunk trucker (I’m sure he’s a trucker) who gets his cumuppence. And on the day he forgets his “knife-proof muffs” no less.

You don’t go deaf if someone cuts off your ? The hearing bits are internal? Don’t you worry your pretty head over it, Old Red never let science get in his way of a good story.

BEWARE! Bus loads of vengeful kids are aiming thier vehicles at truckers when they don’t honk thier horns.

Back this week to hear more depressing Red Sovine rapping.

A couple weeks ago we did “Bringin Mary Home” about a kindhted trucker picking up a “little girl” on a road and taking her home only to find out she’s a ghoooost. The week before or so we had “Lil’Joe, about a trucker who to avoid a ‘busload of kids’ swerves and drives off a mountain. Instead of instantly becoming a fireball is instead is pulled to saftey by a PUPPY, but was only somehow tragically blinded (?) in the accident.

This one is about a trucker named BIG Joe, who swerves to avoid the bus of youngsters, crashes and dies, and then pick up hithchikers in a pityful excuse for an afterlife - sort of the flip flop/conglomeration of both the other songs. (Hey, I dont write this crap.) He Tells the hithchiker Phantom 309 is the name of his “rig”.

NOTE: Should I keep posting these?

Red can SING! But, surprise, it’s about dead people…

Well until now, I’ve only posted Red Sovine’s “talking songs”, this week, I decided to mix it up and show you he could sing, but he still strictly stuck to his themes. In this one it’s big hted truckers and dead people.

In this episode: Red picks up a “little girl” hitchhiker named Mary. Shhh.. let’s all listen…

Teddy B can walk! But, wait there’s more…

For the past few weeks, we have been delving into regions. Now, to belay any thoguhts you might have, NO I do not like country Music, and old Red is a good poster child as to why. But his stuff if so bad on so many levels, it’s too good to NOT point him out to folks.

Last week, we all met a little boy named Teddy B who’s squaking over the CB raadio to truckers, and when he lays out his sad plight (momma busy, daddy was a trucker who died trying to come home, little boy is crippled and weepy), he gives his address to this lonely fat traveling vagabond trucker, and well all the truckers withint shot race over and give semi rides to the little boy. (I’m psitive there is a sick angle left out)

Well, this week’s song is a continuation. Actually an answer to a another singer’s ripoff continutaton. Teddy B was a Huge Country Hit I guess and some woman cme out with a song I guess soon after about “Teddy B” having died.

Well, word is Red got all ticked off at someone dancing with his little boy, er… characters, and came out with this. Little Joe is a definite stake on his claim.

Cast of Characters in “Little Joe”:

–We have the same big hted trucker who in this episode drives his rig in a thunderstorm and down a mountain and explodes into flames, but somehow only loses his sight.

–We have Little Joe a smart smokey-spotting stray puppy he picks up in the beginning

–and we again have “Teddy B” the gimpy quasi-orpahn kid on the CB from episode one who now can somehow walk. (This part is it’s glanced over with the statement “before the miracle happened that made him walk again”, it’s almost as if its an afterthought. )Yeah… right…

So, this week, we have this htwarming tale of divine intervention, blind truckers, one trick puppies, and miraculous walking crippled kids. Hey but it has explosions.. and as every Simpsons fan knows, it’s nothing without the random and unneccesary fire balls.

So this week, I think I’m proud to present…

Does anyone else think these truckers might be pedophiles?

In this our continuing saga, Red plays the part of a big hted trucker who befreinds a lonley, crippled, fatherless boy over the CB radio. This one is actually a two-parter, yep, he wrote a sequel to this thing. We’ll do the second part next week. (Can’t wait can ya?)

Scoring on the Sovine Scale: 3 out of 5. yup, this song fulfills THREE of Red’s typical themes: (reposted here for any new folks)

1 - Trucking, or big hted truckers
2 - Children, without one - or both - parents (usually big eyed boys)
3 - Crippled Kids (maimed, blind, or just plain gimpy)
4 - Christmas songs (so sappy and DEPRESSING they to make you want to turn Jewish.)
5 - Death or dead people

With no further ado, I present…

St. Elvis of Presely

Last week, we just began exploring the world of country music “legend” Red Sovine with a tale so morose it could even twist ts out of even the coldest of ice queens, Martha Stewart.

In this week’s episode, Red tells us all about the time the King played on the back of his flat bed truck in a beam of heavenly light to a crowd of convenient weeping thousands. It’s practically an oral version of a velvet Elvis painting. (this one is for you Robin!) I even think the sound of him choking up at the end could be real. Git’ yer box of Kleenex, and cry the a river for da’ King.

Red Sovine - trucker, ballader… manic depressive.

I’ve recently been reminded of the “songs” of Red Sovine, (more of trucker’s country rap really). All of them seriously messed up and makes you wonder if old Red required serious pyschoanalysis.

Most of Red’s songs fit into at LEAST one of these themes:

1 - Trucking, or big hted truckers
2 - Children, without one - or both - parents (usually big eyed boys)
3 - Crippled Kids (maimed, blind, or just plain gimpy)
4 - Christmas songs (so sappy and DEPRESSING they to make you want to turn Jewish.)
5 - Death or dead people

Now let’s get to some fun! It may be WAY too ly for Christmas, but to put them up AT Christmastime would be cruel, and cause a rise of holiday suicides.

In the first of this series of seriously twisted songs; Red sings about a runaway, starving, half naked, abused, keylatched boy dying on a street side santa’s lap. Not kidding.